Intimacy in a Long-Term Relationship: When Desire Fades but Love Remains

Understanding why intimacy fades in long-term relationships and how your nervous system creates sexual blocks even when love remains strong with your partner.

Desire gives way to tension, a block, or a complete absence of feeling.

"Why don’t I want it anymore… when I love him so much?"

It’s a question many women ask themselves, often in silence.

You sit next to your partner on the couch. You live together, share memories, take care of each other. In your heart, you feel love, connection, and a desire for closeness. Yet something shifts the moment intimacy arises. Your body pulls back. Your mind races.

Desire gives way to tension, a block, or a complete absence of feeling.

Perhaps you feel guilt. Or shame. Maybe you wonder what’s “wrong” with you.

Let me say this right away: you are not broken, cold, or unfeeling. What you experience is far more common than you think—especially in long-term relationships.

In my practice as a sex and relationship therapist, I see this every day: women who crave connection but hit a wall the moment intimacy gets close. And no, it rarely has anything to do with a lack of love or attraction.

Why Sexual Intimacy Can Come Under Pressure

Sexuality is never isolated from the rest of our lives. It is influenced by everything we experience: stress, fatigue, hormonal changes, emotional distance, unresolved experiences, relational tensions, upbringing, beliefs about sex, and past sexual experiences.

Many women understand rationally that stress affects libido:"It’s busy at work.""The kids demand a lot.""Once this phase passes, it will come back naturally."

But often, it doesn’t.

And that causes confusion, because isn’t sex supposed to be relaxing and connecting?

The answer doesn’t lie in willpower or discipline—it lies deeper, in your unconscious brain and nervous system.

The Role of Your Unconscious Brain in Sexual Blocks

About 95% of everything we perceive and experience is processed unconsciously. This part of your brain continuously scans your environment and inner world with one main goal: keeping you safe.

If you’ve had sexual experiences where you weren’t fully ready, weren’t sufficiently aroused, went beyond your own boundaries, or engaged in sex out of obligation, your brain registers this—not in words, but as physical memory.

Your brain learns through repetition:

• First time: an incident

• Second time: coincidence

• Third time: a pattern

From that moment, your brain generalizes, linking sexual closeness to tension or insecurity. And this happens entirely automatically, without conscious control.

The result?Even thinking about sex, a touch, or the anxious thought “what if he wants more later?” can be enough to put your body in stop mode.

Your mind may want it, but your body says: stop.

The Survival System and Sexual Intimacy

Many women don’t realize that sexual blocks are often not a “lack of desire” but an active survival mechanism.

Your autonomic nervous system has several automatic responses when it detects danger—or perceived danger. Commonly called the fight-flight-freeze response, though this term is somewhat limited.

In intimate situations, it may manifest as:

• Fight – reacting with irritation, snapping, pushing your partner away, or (unconsciously) starting an argument

• Flight – becoming busy with work, chores, phone, or making excuses

• Freeze – feeling your body stiffen, shutting down, “locking up”

• Please – going beyond your boundaries to satisfy the other person

• Fawning – going along without being emotionally present

• Exhaustion – suddenly feeling extremely tired or even falling asleep

None of these reactions is a conscious choice. They are automatically driven by your nervous system. That’s why “forcing yourself” or “just getting over it” usually backfires.

Why the Pattern Reinforces Itself

What makes this pattern even more complicated is the secondary emotions that often arise: shame, guilt, sadness, frustration, anger.

Your partner may feel rejected, insecure, or unwanted and slowly stop taking initiative. You feel more pressure. The distance grows. And that, for your brain, confirms that intimacy is unsafe.

Many women hope it will get better on its own—that stress will decrease and desire will return. But without addressing the underlying pattern, the block often deepens.

This is why talking alone is sometimes not enough. Many therapies work cognitively, whereas these patterns are stored physically and neurologically.

What to Do When You’re Stuck in Intimacy

The first step is awareness without judgment.

Not: “What’s wrong with me?”But: “What is my body trying to tell me?”

Ask yourself:

• When do I feel the sense of “have to” arising?

• For whom am I really doing this?

• Which emotions come up with intimacy?

• What do I physically feel in my body?

• What do I deeply desire?

Even asking these questions can create space.

Stop Forcing: The Most Important Step

If there is one libido-killer I see repeatedly, it’s the sense of obligation.Sex out of duty, fear, or guilt undermines safety—and safety is the foundation of desire.

Stopping forcing does not mean giving up. It means listening to your body.

It’s essential to discuss this openly and honestly with your partner—not accusatorily, but from vulnerability. Name what is happening inside you: what you feel and what you need.

Often, simply removing the pressure creates relaxation.

Redefining Sex for Yourself

A powerful exercise is to bring sexuality back to yourself.

Imagine sexual intimacy isn’t about satisfying your partner but bringing something to you.

What would that be?

• Relaxation?

• Connection?

• Playfulness?

• Vitality?

• Confidence?

Write down everything that comes to mind. Make a list. Read it daily. Not as an obligation, but as an invitation.

When sex becomes something that nourishes you, rather than something demanded of you, the dynamic changes.

Playfulness and Closeness Without a Goal

Many couples get stuck because intimacy is automatically linked to “more”: penetration, performance, expectations.

It can help enormously to agree that closeness has no end goal.Touching each other without an agenda. Talking together. Looking into each other’s eyes. Laughing. Exploring.

This removes tension from the system, allowing arousal to naturally emerge again.

Final Insights

• Intimacy begins not with desire, but with safety and relaxation

• See your block not as a problem, but as a signal

• Reconnect with your body: breathing, walking, yoga, dance

• Name the pattern with your partner without blame

• Seek guidance if you get stuck—you don’t have to do this alone

Desire is not a switch you flip. It emerges when your nervous system is calm and you feel emotionally safe.

You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

If you’ve been struggling with this for a long time, it can be valuable to explore it with a professional. These patterns can be broken, even if they feel hopeless now.

Many women who come to me thought, “This is just how it is.” Until they discovered that their body wasn’t working against them, but for them.

You, too, can enjoy fulfilling, relaxed, and nourishing sexual intimacy again. You are not alone.

If you recognize yourself in this story, a conversation with a sexologist can already provide clarity.

Contact Marianne Now

Written by: Marianne van Katwijk, M.Sc.Psychologist (NIP) – Sexologist & Hypnotherapist(Specialist in breaking sexual blocks in women in long-term relationships)