Why So Many Men Lose Pleasure in Sex

Discover how to overcome performance pressure and regain Pleasure in Sex by understanding the mental blocks and survival mechanisms that hinder male intimacy.

When Sex Becomes Something You “Have to Get Right”

Have you ever thought, “Why can’t I seem to get this right anymore?” Even though deep down, you want to enjoy sex, intimacy, and connection?

Maybe you’ve noticed that during sex, you quickly end up in your head. You feel tension, performance pressure, and suddenly your body doesn’t respond the way you’d like. Your erection disappears, you climax too quickly—or not at all. Or maybe you find yourself emotionally checked out, feeling disconnected from your partner.

For many men, this is a confusing and painful experience. Frustration often accompanies it, sometimes even panic. And the more you try to “control” or “do your best,” the further you drift from relaxation and pleasure.

As a psychologist and sexologist, I see this pattern frequently. Let me say this upfront: you are absolutely not alone, and there is nothing wrong with you.

When Sex Shifts From Desire to Pressure

Most men who come to my practice don’t want more sex—they want enjoyable sex. Sex where they can feel, be present, and be themselves. But what they experience is often the exact opposite.

What begins as a single experience—a missed erection, premature ejaculation, or difficulty feeling pleasure—can slowly develop into a recurring problem. And the meaning you attach to it can make it even heavier.

Many men tell me they feel:

• like a failure

• ashamed in front of their partner

• uncertain about their masculinity

• afraid it will never work again

These feelings rarely exist in isolation. They create a self-reinforcing loop, pushing you further into your head. Confidence in your body disappears—and with it, the pleasure.

Sex as Performance Instead of Experience

In our culture, there is a persistent, often unspoken expectation on men:You must be able to “do it right.”

You must know what you’re doing. You must maintain a firm erection. You must satisfy your partner. You must last long. You must control your ejaculation.

The rise of porn has greatly amplified this pressure. The image of sex has increasingly shifted toward spectacle, performance, and perfection. What you see on screen unconsciously becomes the standard—though it says nothing about real, intimate sex between two people.

The result? The bar is set unrealistically high. And where pressure arises, relaxation disappears.

Sex shifts from being to doing.From feeling to performing.From connection to control.

And that is precisely where the problem begins.

What Happens Beneath the Surface

When sex feels like something you must “get right,” it automatically triggers feelings of:

• shame

• fear of failure

• insecurity

• anxiety about “being exposed”

These feelings feed internal dialogues such as:

• “I must stay hard.”

• “She can’t notice I’m insecure.”

• “I have to make her climax.”

• “This cannot go wrong now.”

At this point, your body is no longer focused on pleasure—it is in survival mode. Your autonomic nervous system shifts into alert. And in that state, relaxation—essential for sexual arousal—is simply not possible.

You become disconnected from your body. Not because you don’t want to feel, but because your system doesn’t feel safe. This disconnection is a protective mechanism, not a choice.

The Downward Spiral in Men and Sex

For most men experiencing sexual difficulties, there is no physiological cause. The problem is not the body itself—it’s the vicious cycle that develops.

This cycle often looks like:

Tension → less feeling → erection or control issues → anxiety → more tension → avoidance or “pushing through with willpower”

Each experience unconsciously confirms the fear: “See, I can’t do it.”

Next time, you enter the situation already tense, increasing the likelihood it happens again.

Some men start avoiding sex. Others “fake it,” force themselves, or rely entirely on their head. But the more sex becomes an obligation, the further pleasure disappears.

Why Willpower Isn’t the Solution

Many men try to solve the problem by:

• trying harder

• attempting more control

• seeking more information

• forcing their bodies

But sex doesn’t respond to willpower. The more you try to control, the less room there is for surrender, relaxation, and sensation.

Sexual arousal doesn’t happen in your head—it happens in a safe, relaxed body.

And that is exactly where the path back begins.

The Path Back to Pleasure and Connection

Recovery doesn’t start with “performing better,” but with being present and relaxed.

1. Awareness Without JudgmentThe first step is noticing what’s happening without judging yourself. The problem isn’t that you’re failing—it’s that your system is under pressure.

2. Calming the Nervous SystemBreathwork is essential here. Slow, deep breathing sends direct signals to your nervous system that it is safe, reducing tension and the need for control.

3. Returning to the BodyThrough movement, breathwork, and body awareness, you learn to feel again. Sexual pleasure comes from sensation, not technique.

4. Letting Go of Porn-Induced ExpectationsA (temporary) porn detox can be incredibly helpful in releasing unrealistic images and comparisons. Many men notice more calm, presence, and confidence within a few months.

5. Addressing Underlying PatternsSometimes, deeper beliefs, past experiences, or a vulnerable self-image are at the root. Professional guidance is not a weakness but a powerful step toward recovery.

Sex doesn’t have to be perfect.It can—and should—be real.

And that is where pleasure can return.

Final Thoughts

If sex feels like something you must get right, it’s no surprise that pleasure disappears. That doesn’t say anything about your value, masculinity, or attractiveness—it reflects how your body has learned to cope with pressure.

And it can be relearned.

If you notice that sex has been accompanied by tension, performance pressure, or insecurity for a long time, you don’t have to navigate this alone. With the right guidance, these patterns can be broken, and you can enjoy intimate, relaxed sex again.

👉 Schedule a free online consultation and discover how to experience calm, confidence, and pleasure—both in your body and in your relationship.

Schedule a free online consultation

Written by:Marianne van Katwijk, M.Sc.Psychologist (NIP) – Sexologist & Hypnotherapist