When Touch No Longer Feels Pleasant

Why Women in Long-Term Relationships Can “Shut Down”. Your partner wraps an arm around you. You know it’s meant lovingly. And yet… your body tenses. Instead of pleasant, you feel resistance.

How do you explain that you feel love

Maybe even irritation. You think, “Not now.” Or, “What if this leads to something else?”

If this sounds familiar, you are far from alone.

In my practice as a sex and relationship therapist, I speak with many women who experience exactly this. Women who love their partner, who want to feel connected, but notice that their body increasingly shuts down at touch. What once felt safe and comforting—a hug, a caress—now triggers tension. And that can be confusing, painful, and often lonely.

Because how do you explain that you feel love, but your body seems to say otherwise?

When Love Is Present but Your Body Says “No”

Many women are startled by their own reactions when touch no longer feels pleasurable. They wonder if something is wrong with their relationship, their partner, or themselves. Thoughts like, “Why can’t I just let go?” or “Other women don’t seem to have this problem, do they?” are common.

What makes this situation even more complex is that in long-term relationships, touch is rarely “just touch.” A hand on your back, a kiss, or a hug can unconsciously carry expectations. The thought, “This will probably lead to more,” may already be there before anything happens.

And that feeling of pressure is deadly for desire.

Pressure is—without exaggeration—one of the biggest libido and arousal killers. When your body senses that it has to do something, it automatically shifts from relaxation to protection. In that state, enjoying closeness—or sexual intimacy—is nearly impossible.

Many women hope this will pass naturally. That it’s just a phase. That rest, time, or less stress will solve it. Unfortunately, in my experience, waiting usually reinforces the pattern.

Why Touch Can Start Feeling “Too Much”

There is rarely a single reason why touch no longer feels good. Usually, it’s a combination of factors that influence and reinforce each other, such as:

• always being “on” and carrying heavy responsibilities

• mental load and stress

• little time for yourself

• childbirth or caring for young children

• sleep deprivation

• hormonal changes

• emotional distance or tension in the relationship

When you’ve consistently gone beyond your own boundaries—often subtly and unconsciously—your body learns to stay alert. This isn’t deliberate, and it certainly isn’t because you find your partner unattractive. It’s an automatic response from your nervous system.

One of the key factors I see is the sense of obligation: having to hug, having to be available, having to “act normal.” As soon as that sense of pressure arises, relaxation disappears. Your mind takes over, and you lose contact with your body.

You feel less—or sometimes too much. In both cases, it becomes difficult to allow yourself to experience pleasure.

How the Vicious Cycle Develops Between You

What often happens next is that you both—without intending to—fall into a painful dynamic.

You notice yourself blocking at touch. Your partner feels that and experiences it as rejection, even if you rationally know he doesn’t mean it that way. The next time touch occurs, it already feels heavier. You are more alert. He is uncertain or seeking reassurance.

Some partners increase physical contact to feel connection again. For you, that increases pressure, causing your body to close even faster. Others withdraw to avoid the uncomfortable feeling of rejection, creating more distance.

This creates a pattern in which:

• you increasingly shut down

• he feels less desired

• intimacy becomes loaded

• closeness triggers tension

Layered on top are unspoken beliefs:

“I should enjoy this.”

“I’m disappointing him.”

“He probably wants more than I can give.”

These scripts take on a life of their own, increasing emotional distance even though both partners crave connection.

Why Waiting and Avoidance Make Things Worse

It’s understandable to avoid touch when it feels unpleasant. This is a natural protective reaction. But the longer this pattern exists, the stronger it becomes.

Your unconscious brain learns through repetition. It registers: touch = tension. Since the brain’s main job is to keep you safe, it responds more quickly and broadly over time.

What starts with sexual touch can spread to other forms of closeness. A hug, sitting together on the couch, or even a loving glance can trigger tension.

As a result:

• internal pressure increases

• you spend more time “in your head”

• you drift further from your body

• desire becomes harder to access

Many women describe this as losing themselves. It feels like managing, avoiding, and surviving rather than feeling and enjoying.

What You Can Do When Touch Feels Unpleasant

The good news: this pattern is understandable—and breakable. Not by trying harder, but by slowing down and restoring safety.

1. Stop Forcing, Start Creating Space

Forcing—even with good intentions—backfires. Intimacy does not grow under pressure. It begins with space: space to feel what’s happening in your body without judgment.

Allow yourself to acknowledge: “This is what my body is telling me right now.”

Not as a final truth, but as a signal.

2. Name the Pattern With Your Partner

Openness is essential, even if it’s uncomfortable. Try describing the pattern without blame:

Not: “You’re doing something wrong.”

But: “I notice my body shuts down at touch, and that’s hard for me.”

You don’t have to fix it yet. Understanding and acknowledgment are already a huge first step toward relaxation.

3. Restore Physical Safety

Your nervous system needs proof that touch can be safe again. This means touch without a goal. Without the expectation that it will lead to anything.

Agree together that certain moments of closeness are explicitly non-sexual. This allows your body to slowly relearn that relaxation is possible.

4. Sensuality Is Different From Sex

Sensual contact is about warmth, presence, connection, and feeling. It doesn’t have to lead to sexual activity. Think of breathing together, holding each other, or touching hands. From this foundation, desire can naturally emerge when you are ready—not because it must, but because it can.

5. Professional Support Can Help

When patterns are deeply ingrained, it can be hard to break them alone. Therapy can help you:

• move out of fight-flight-freeze mode

• calm your nervous system

• process past trauma

• interrupt automatic responses

• safely reconnect with sensual and sexual feelings

All of this happens at your pace, with respect for your boundaries.

Final Thoughts

If touch no longer feels pleasant, it says nothing about your love, attractiveness, or commitment. It reflects how safe your body currently feels.

Your body is not working against you—it is trying to protect you.

And that is exactly where the path to change begins.

If you recognize yourself in this story and notice that touch has triggered tension in your relationship for a long time, you don’t have to handle it alone. With the right support, it’s possible to break the pattern and experience relaxation, closeness, and desire again.

👉 Want to explore this in confidence?

Schedule a free online consultation, and we can look together at what you need to safely reconnect with yourself and your partner.

Contact Marianne Now

Written by:

Marianne van Katwijk, M.Sc.

Psychologist (NIP) – Sexologist & Hypnotherapist

(Specialist in intimacy, sexuality, and unconscious patterns in women)