Low Libido: Why Sexual Desire Changes and What You Can Do About It

Why does low libido happen, even when you love your partner? Explore the hidden causes of low desire, sexual anxiety, intimacy problems, and more.

Low libido can affect women and men at any stage of life. You may love your partner deeply and still have little or no interest in sex. You may wonder why you no longer feel desire, why intimacy suddenly makes you tense, or why something that once felt natural now feels like pressure.

After 15 years of working with more than 5,000 women and men around sexuality, intimacy, and relationships, I see the same core struggles returning in my practice every day. These are not rare or unusual problems. They are deeply human, and they are far more common than people dare to admit.

Low libido is often not an isolated problem with a single cause. Sexual anxiety, stress, relationship dynamics, hormonal changes, pain, shame, disconnection from the body, and automatic nervous system responses can all affect sexual desire.

In this article, I will explore the most common problems I see in my practice and answer important questions: Why does libido disappear in a long-term relationship? Why can your body shut down even when you love your partner? Can anxiety affect sexual desire? Why can sex become painful or something you start avoiding? And what can you do when low libido begins affecting your relationship?

Loss of Sexual Desire in Long-Term Relationships

This is the number one reason women reach out to me.

The desire that was present at the beginning of a relationship has faded—sometimes gradually, sometimes suddenly.

Women often tell me:

"I just never think about sex anymore."

Or:

"I don't feel anything when he touches me."

This can be particularly confusing when everything else in the relationship seems good.

You may still love your partner.

You may enjoy spending time together, feel emotionally close, and have no desire to leave the relationship. Yet when your partner initiates sex, you feel nothing—or you wish they wouldn't.

This creates a painful question:

"If I love my partner, why don't I want sex anymore?"

Love and sexual desire are not the same thing. Low libido does not automatically mean that love or attraction has disappeared.

Imagine a woman who spends her day working, caring for children, managing the household, answering messages, solving problems, and thinking about tomorrow. At 10 p.m., her partner touches her and hopes intimacy will happen.

Her partner may experience that moment as connection.

Her nervous system may experience it as one more demand.

Most women wait months—sometimes years—hoping desire will return on its own. Often, it doesn't without understanding what changed and what is maintaining the pattern.

If this sounds familiar, professional support can help you explore what is happening beneath the loss of desire. My online sexology therapy sessions provide a private space to work with sexuality and intimacy concerns, while hypnotherapy for low libido focuses specifically on subconscious patterns that may be contributing to low sexual desire.

Sexual Blockage: Why Does My Body Shut Down When My Partner Touches Me?

Some women describe something stronger than simply "not being in the mood."

They feel themselves shutting down.

Their partner approaches them and their body becomes tense. Their breathing changes. Their mind starts racing. They may want to move away, freeze, or simply wait for the moment to be over.

Sometimes this response begins before any physical intimacy occurs.

You may already be thinking:

"If I kiss him, will he think I want sex?"

"If I go to bed now, will he initiate?"

"Maybe I'll stay downstairs a little longer."

This is not necessarily a conscious decision.

The nervous system can develop automatic protective responses around intimacy. In my work, I recognize six distinct survival responses: Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn, Fatigue, and Flooding.

For many women, several patterns are active simultaneously without their conscious awareness.

This is why simply telling yourself to "relax" or "try harder" rarely solves the problem.

Your conscious mind may be saying:

"I love this person. I should be able to enjoy this."

While your body is saying:

"I don't feel safe enough to open."

Understanding that contradiction can be an important first step.

Sexual Anxiety: Why Do I Feel Stressed Before Sex Even Happens?

Sometimes the suffering begins hours before intimacy.

You think:

"He might initiate tonight."

"I should want this."

"We haven't had sex for two weeks."

"What if he thinks I don't love him?"

"What if it doesn't go well again?"

The anticipation itself becomes stressful.

You begin monitoring your partner's behavior. A kiss is no longer just a kiss. A cuddle may feel like the beginning of something you are expected to continue.

This constant calculation creates hypervigilance.

And when the nervous system is focused on monitoring, predicting, and protecting, it becomes much harder to experience spontaneous desire and arousal.

Eventually, even the thought of sex may trigger anxiety.

Disconnection From the Body and the Feminine Self

Many of my female clients describe feeling as though they live "from the neck up."

They think, organize, plan, work, care for others, solve problems, and move from one responsibility to another.

But when I ask:

"What do you feel in your body right now?"

the answer may be:

"I don't know."

This disconnection matters.

Sexuality is not something we experience intellectually. Desire, arousal, pleasure, and orgasm are embodied experiences.

For some women, the Yoni—the sacred feminine center—has gradually become something purely functional or medical.

Periods. Pregnancy. Childbirth. Contraception. Menopause. Medical examinations.

The connection with pleasure, curiosity, aliveness, and feminine identity may have disappeared somewhere along the way.

Reconnecting with sexuality may therefore involve much more than "having more sex."

It may begin with reconnecting with your own body.

Shame and Secrecy: "Is Something Wrong With Me?"

One of the most heartbreaking aspects of low libido is how alone people feel.

Friends talk about sex.

Someone makes a joke.

You smile.

And privately think:

"If they only knew."

Women may hide the fact that they haven't wanted sex for months or years.

Men may hide erectile problems or performance anxiety.

Couples may appear perfectly happy from the outside while sleeping increasingly far apart.

The longer the problem remains secret, the easier it becomes to believe that you are the only person experiencing it.

You are not.

Sexual difficulties are extraordinarily common in my practice, and talking about them openly and without judgment can already change how you understand the problem.

Difficulty Reaching Orgasm: Why Can't I Orgasm Even When I Try?

Some women have never experienced an orgasm.

Others could orgasm in the past but now struggle to reach climax.

One common pattern is performance pressure:

"I'm taking too long."

"My partner is waiting."

"Why isn't it happening?"

"I have to orgasm."

The moment orgasm becomes a task, you begin monitoring whether you are "getting there." That monitoring can pull you away from the physical sensations that actually support pleasure.

Disconnection from the body and subconscious tension patterns in the pelvic floor may also contribute.

Sometimes the harder you try to make an orgasm happen, the further away it feels.

Pain During Sex: Vaginismus and Dyspareunia

For some women, low libido develops for a very understandable reason:

Sex hurts. Pain may be associated with vaginismus—involuntary tightening of muscles around the vagina—postpartum changes, menopause, physical conditions, or psychosomatic tension.

Once pain has occurred repeatedly, anticipation itself can become part of the cycle.

You remember that sex hurt last time.

You expect it to hurt again.

Your body tenses.

The tension may increase discomfort.

The next painful experience confirms your fear.

This can create a powerful feedback loop between anticipation, tension, and pain.

Persistent or unexplained pain during sex should always be medically evaluated. When nervous system responses, fear, or subconscious patterns are also involved, these may need attention alongside appropriate medical care.

You Are Not Broken — And You Don't Have to Figure It Out Alone

Low libido, sexual anxiety, pain during sex, difficulty reaching orgasm, or feeling emotionally disconnected from intimacy are rarely "just in your head." They are often the result of many interacting factors, including your nervous system, life experiences, relationship dynamics, stress, and subconscious patterns.

The good news is that these patterns can change.

With more than 15 years of professional experience and over 5,000 women and men supported through challenges related to sexuality, intimacy, and relationships, Marianne van Katwijk, M.Sc., helps clients understand what is happening beneath the surface—not simply manage symptoms, but address the deeper causes affecting sexual desire, emotional connection, and overall wellbeing.

Whether you are struggling with low libido, sexual anxiety, pain during sex, vaginismus, difficulty reaching orgasm, relationship intimacy problems, or simply feel that something has changed and you don't know why, you do not have to navigate it alone.

Marianne van Katwijk offers online sexology therapyand online hypnotherapy for both women and men, providing a safe, confidential, and supportive space to explore the underlying causes of intimacy challenges. Every therapy trajectory is tailored to your personal situation and designed to help you rebuild sexual confidence, deepen emotional intimacy, and experience pleasure, connection, and fulfilling relationships again.

If you are ready to take the first step, you are warmly invited to book a free introductory call. Together with Marianne van Katwijk, you can explore what is happening and discuss which therapeutic approach may best support your journey toward a healthier and more satisfying intimate life.